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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24504865">an impawsible situation</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skyuni123/pseuds/Skyuni123'>Skyuni123</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Garfield - All Media Types</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Crack Treated Seriously, Humor, I'm Sorry, Other</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 06:21:38</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,470</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24504865</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skyuni123/pseuds/Skyuni123</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>almost definitely not porn</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jon Arbuckle/Garfield</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>19</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>an impawsible situation</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>written for @thehappeningshow on twitter. tim, i love your work. read out <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I_wJDGlZzzw"> here </a> if you want to hear it in an audio format. </p><p>i hadn't slept for nearly 24 hours when i wrote this, and i was on a lot of drugs. sorry.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>It's a Saturday. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Birds chirp outside, high up in their purchases on the trees, just waiting to be caught by any enterprising cat that might come along. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jon Arbuckle's cat, however, is Garfield - and Garfield gives less than no fucks about 'birds and 'trees' and 'the general concept of combining the two'. Garfield snoozes on the kitchen bench, ginormous and orange, and intends to do that for the rest of the day, thank you very much.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It's fresh, cool, nice out - the kind of weather that most sane and normal people would be out in. Down the park, perhaps. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But Jon is a geek, and due to the rigid character specifications of this genre of erotica, geeks don't go outside. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Instead, he sits at his kitchen table, tapping away at his laptop, with a big mug of coffee right in front of him. He's programming. Using Linux. Or something. (Y'know what geeks do.)</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He's a bit sad, actually. Liz, once again, wants nothing to do with him. It's not his fault - really - the whole thing had just involved Garfield, a glass of milk, and something most people would call a 'half-baked revenge plot'.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He sighs, again. He's tired. And horny. But that doesn't really matter. He's alone. For now, and jacking off alone in his room seems a little bit like a waste of the day. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>As he reaches to take another sip of coffee, there's a knock at the door. In a cheery way that no postman has ever done, someone calls "mail delivery!" from the direction of the knock. It is, presumably, the postman. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jon sighs, for the third time, much like an Austen heroine begotten by the whims of a long lost suitor, puts his cup down and goes to collect the mail. He feels a little feverish.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The postman is smiling wide and holding a big box in his hands. It's marked with Jon's name - Garfield doesn't tend to get many parcels, unless he's been on a catnip bender - and his address. Jon also has no idea what it is.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He takes it inside and puts it down beside Garfield as he looks for a pair of scissors to open it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Garfield, apparently woken by the commotion, opens one eye, fixes Jon with a disgruntled look, and puts one paw out to touch the box.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>All at once, there's a flash of light, an ominous banging sound, and the horrifying sound of a cat's howl turning into a humanlike wail. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jon blinks the sparks away from his eyes, wishing not for the first time that he had the foresight to not bring random parcels into his house, and gasps.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Where Garfield was sitting is… something else.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Something that… uh... let's just say he looks like the bear version of Skimbleshanks from the 2019 paragon of filmmaking </span>
  <em>
    <span>Cats</span>
  </em>
  <span> the movie, and leave it with that. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It's also very naked.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jon blinks. "What the fu-" but falls to the floor in a dead faint before he manages to finish his sentence. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When he wakes up, something is patting him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>More appropriately, someone is jabbing something into his… knee region.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He cracks open one eye.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>There is a creature crouched beside him that looks an awful lot like the bear version of Skimbleshanks from the 2019 paragon of filmmaking </span>
  <em>
    <span>Cats</span>
  </em>
  <span> the movie.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Nope. He shuts his eyes again. Time out. He's going to make his brain take a vacation until his ex-cat isn't… rubbing his thigh?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"What. The fuck." Someone says, and it takes Jon a moment to realise it's him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Look, I don't know." The artist formally known as Garfield says, weird kind of paw/claw hand still on his thigh. "You bought the box in."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I didn't make you touch it." Jon still has his eyes shut. He's seriously considering never opening them again.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I was curious!" Garfield bitches, "You're always telling me "do more things", "be more adventurous", "don't just sit there and eat all that lasagna, Garfield" - and now that I've turned into… this, you're still complaining. Will I never be enough for you, Jon?"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jon cracks open one eye. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Honestly, if he… gets past the face and the - fucking hell, nope, absolutely not.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He averts his gaze to the ceiling. If there's one thing he's never wanted to see, it's his formally-cat-now-turned-whatever-he-is's junk.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Aside from that, Garfield isn't that bad looking. For a cat-human hybrid. Objectively. No homo. You know.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"What even are you?" Jon gulps, voice cracking, as he stares up at the ceiling. "..Hat? Hut?"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"No, Jon," Garfield says, "I'm a cuman." (And y'all know exactly how he pronounces it because this is a </span>
  <em>
    <span>lazy </span>
  </em>
  <span>joke.)</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Round the mountain???" Jon says, deliriously, because he thinks he's losing his mind. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"No." Garfield purrs, both literally, and yknow, in like a seductive way. "Just in general. Wanna fuck?"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jon chokes on his own spit for a second. "sORRY?"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"I'm bored." Garfield huffs, and shifts his position. Something warm drapes itself over Jon's thigh. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jon prays to every deity that it's a tail.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He opens his eyes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It is not.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He squeezes them shut again. "A) you were literally a cat five minutes ago - and I'm not actually one of those weirdos who is into that nonsense, no matter how much I'm sure someone on the internet has already written it, B) you have a </span>
  <em>
    <span>tail, </span>
  </em>
  <span>and c) I'm not into men."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Are you sure?" Garfield says, and reaches even higher with his weird clawed paw/hand to-</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Fuck. OKAY. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Y'know when sometimes you just decide to do things? Like when you buy an extra box of cereal at the supermarket or when you say fuck it and write Garfield porn in the middle of the night while you're boned on painkillers?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It's that vibe.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Fuck it, </span>
  </em>
  <span>Jon decides, and pulls the weird cuman creature, formally known as his cat, into a kiss.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Garfield tastes like cat food. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I'm not sure why any of us are surprised. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He's got a raspy tongue too, which actually isn't… too bad? It's a little like the feeling you get when you're eating a pineapple, like your flesh slowly being sloughed out of your mouth, but in a kiss. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>If Jon's honest, he's had worse kisses.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Why are you… like this?" Jon gasps, between kisses. His skin feels a little bit on fire, but that could potentially be an allergic reaction to Garfield's new fur/skin. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Garfield shrugs, the movement weird and alien in his new arm/paws. " You know how when you're bored you masturbate?"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>That's a thought Jon doesn't want to think about. He's closing his bedroom door next time. "No."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Liar." Garfield grins at him, all sharp needlepoint teeth. "It's like that."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Later, Jon won't really be able to recall how exactly he ends up on his kitchen floor, head jammed right into the edge of the box the postman delivered - cats like boxes, he remembers, unfortunately - with his former cat jacking him off, but he's not sure if he minds.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Garfield's grip is furry, a bit too rough at points, but it's almost exactly what he needs. Jon's not thinking about Liz, about his loneliness, he just wants Garfield to-</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Problem, kitten?" Garfield smirks at him and leans down to lap at his cock with that weird and wonderful tongue.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Things happens very quickly after that.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jon comes back to his senses a little later, a little dazed, and gestures awkwardly at Garfield's crotch -</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>(Fuck, he can't even look at it)</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Do you want me to, uh-"</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He trails off.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"No thanks, kitten, I'm fine." Garfield nuzzles him with the side of his head. "That was fun though. Same time next week?" </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He reaches out and touches the parcel again. With a shudder, a shake, and a bit of glitter, he's back to the orange cat Jon knows (and loves?)</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Garfield sneezes at him, leaps up back onto the counter and goes back to sleep.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jon looks down. He's covered in a mixture of cum and cat hair, which is something he never wants to see again. Picking up the box, he stumbles towards his bathroom, tearing open the tabs along the way. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The bottle inside is small, round, and perplexing. The instruction guide with it reads, "Living in an unfurtunate situation? Finding love an impawsibility? Try Hair of the Cat, our new tonic. It'll leave you Feline good in no time."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>"Well, that explains nothing." Jon mutters, and turns the instruction sheet over. At the very bottom, in tiny print, reads, "Do not use if you have a cat. Seriously. We don't know what this does, but it's probably not great, eh. Contains catnip and literal magic that someone sold us."</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Fantastic. </span>
  </em>
  <span>Jon puts the jar on his bathroom vanity. He's going to have a long hot shower and resoundingly Not Think about it.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>i will almost never write something like this again, but if i do, you'll find it on my <a href="http://eph-em-era.tumblr.com"> tumblr </a></p></blockquote></div></div>
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